{ A and R }

By Dan C.

�� And here�s our hostess, Ayeka!

�

Ayeka: I�m Slim Shady.� Yes, I�m the real Shady.� All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating.� Will the real Slim Shady please stand up! Please stand up!� Please stand up!� (Sighs)

�� And here�s our next hostess, Ryoko!

Ryoko: Just shut up, Ayeka!� Grr you!� I can sing better!� I�m Slim Shady.� Yes, I�m the real Shady. All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating. Will the real Slim Shady please stand up! Please stand up!� Please stand up!� (Screams)

Tenchi:� Ahhhh!� My ears!

Ayeka:� Excuse me, what are you doing here?!

Tenchi:� Uh . . . . I_don�t_know_ . . . .� Tenchi disappears.

Ayeka and Ryoko:� ?!

Ash:� You both sing bad.� (Boos)

Ryoko:� What are you doing here?!� Ryoko wakes up from her dream. �Huh?!� I Oi, it was a dream . . . . Oh!� It�s time for work!� Ahh!� I�m late!� She gets up to go to the studio.

Ayeka:� Sitting in her Host: Ayeka chair and putting her feet up on Ryoko�s chair.� Sipping coffee and looking a bit drunk.� It�s about time, you lazy bum.

Ryoko:� Ah, shut up.� And lay off the late night saki snacks.� You look terrible.

Ayeka:� Come on we have to go on stage.� Ayeka takes 5 steps and she is instanaeously changed with a wave of makeup and clothes designers.� She looks stunning. �

Ryoko:� Ah, what�ll money do for ya any ways?� Ayeka pulls Ryoko out on the stage.� Ah!�

��

�� Host:� Do, do, do, do!� It�s the A and R Show!� With your hostess�s, Ayeka...� Hee, hee, hee because I say so!� And Ryoko...� Raaar!� Bring it on!� (Cheers)

�� Today�s show is jammed back with goodness!� We have wacky dreams!� Estranged guests!� Corny jokes!� And much much more!� Sit tight, grab some cheese, and watch the A and R show!� (Cheers)

Ryoko:� Hiya peeps!� Good to be here!� Thank you, thank you.� No really, thank you.� You can stop cheering now.� (Cheers)�

Ayeka:� Yes calm down, please.� (Cheers)�

Ryoko:� Come on, now.� Quiet!� Quiet!� Grr....� Shut up!� Man!� Ryoko creates a couple energy balls in her hands and blasts a couple stands.� Some people fly everywhere.� (Screams)

Ayeka:� Ryoko!� How dare you treat our guests like that!� We have a show to do!

Ryoko:� Your so right, Ayeka.� Okay.� We�re going to have a guest today.

Ayeka:� What?� That wasn�t on the script!

Ryoko:� Well now it is!� Bring out Tenchi!!!� Tenchi comes out.� Music cues.� Tenchi waves a bit with a forced smile.� (Cheers)

Tenchi:� Uh . . . . What am I doing here?

Ryoko:� Hiya, Tenchi!� Welcome to MY show.

Tenchi:� Your show?� This could get bad.� (Laughs)

Ayeka:� YOUR show?!� Ha, ha, ha!� Very funny, Ryoko.

Ryoko: �She starts to whisper to Ayeka.

Ryoko and Ayeka:� Ha, ha, ha! �Ayeka gets an evil look on her face.� Tenchi gets a worried look on his face.

Ayeka:� Okaaay.� Send out Sasami,

Ryoko:� Mihoshi,

Ayeka:� And Washu!!! Sasami, Mihoshi, and Washu come out on stage.� Ha, ha, ha!� This is going to be fun!� (Cheers)

Mihoshi:� Oh, hi Tenchi!� What are you doing here?

Sasami:� Hi Tenchi.� Your here too?

Washu:� Hello there.� They all start walking towards Tenchi.

Tenchi:� Uh . . . .� Hi?� Uh . . . .� What are you doing?� He starts to back away.

Ayeka:� Ha, ha, ha!� Get him!� Ha, ha, ha!� I could get addicted to this!� They all jump on Tenchi.

Tenchi:� Ahhhh!� Leave me alone!� Wahhh!�

Ryoko:� Ha, ha, ha!� This is fun!� What?� A commercial?!� Great!� Oh whatever!� Continue girls!

Tenchi:� Ahhhhhhh!� Where�s that commercial?!� Save me!

Commercial

�� Do you have problems?� Wufie talking to sock puppet:� Hello, Justice Avenger.� Ha, ha, ha!� Your funny!� Yes, we all have our little problems.� But if they get out of hand, who will save you?� Here at Clinically Institute, we help those who really need it the most.� Picture of county jail turned into medical facility.� Our professional staff is ready to get the job done.� Let us cater to all your needs.� Because at Clinically Institute, we help the clinically insane.

�� And now back to the A and R show!� (Cheers)

Ryoko:� Hiya peeps, great to have ya back.� Really!

Ayeka:� Yes, it�s a pleasure.�

Ryoko:� You know what?� They were cheering for me.

Ayeka:� Ha, ha, ha!� You have such an imagination, Ryoko!� Really, when will you stop dreaming.

Ryoko:� Me?� Dreaming?� Ha!� How about you and your dream to marry Tenchi!� Aha!� Now then, princess!� Answer that!� Turns to crowd.� Yea, yea?� Ryoko starts to rally up the crowd.� (Cheers)

Ryoko:� You here that, Ayeka?� They want to know what�s up with your you and your wild dreams!� Come on, Ayeka!� Give the people what they want!� (Cheers)

Ayeka:� Ooooo!!!� Really, woman!� You really know how to get on my nerve!

Ryoko:� Hey, I don�t spend half of my day trying to seduce Tenchi and squeeze information out of him for nothing!� I happen to take pride in my work!� (Cheers)

Ayeka:� Ah!!!� Damit, woman!� You�ve really gone to far!�� What do I have to do to get you to understand that you can�t get away with these things!� Ah!!!� Ayeka summons her blocks of wood and they go a little bizzerk.� (Screams)�

Ryoko:� Ouch!� Ah!� Dam you, Ayeka!� Your blocks of wood are giving me bumps of pain!� Ah!� Let�s see how you like this!� Ryoko forms some red energy balls in her hands and starts throwing them at Ayeka.� Ayeka�s force field just bounces off the balls.

Ayeka:� Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!� This is so fun!� Take some more, Ryoko!� Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!� Had enough?� Not by the looks of you.� Your still standing.� We can�t have that happening!� Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ryoko:� Ouch!� Ah gosh!� This really sucks!� I can�t really do anything to stop you, you know.� (Ooohs)

Ayeka:� Of course!� Your such a weakling!

Ryoko:� No, that�s not it.� It just that what I�d do to stop you would be inappropriate for television.� Hmm?� (Cheers)

Ayeka:� Oh, is that so...� Well, I must say, someone who resorts to such vulgarity just to win something so minor really never deserves to win.� (Cheers)

Ryoko:� Vulgar?� Oh no!� Who ever said anything about vulgar!� I just meant I was going to resort to extreme violence!� Umm..� A lot like I�m about to do right now!� Ah!� Ryoko raises her hand as if to create another energy ball, but instead something else appears in here hand.� It is a laptop!�

Ryoko:� Ha!� Ayeka, watch this!� I�m going to scan this picture here, and configure it a bit here, and then...�� There!� Now I�m going to post this picture of your gym shorts ripping when you bent down to get that volleyball in the game last week!� Ha, ha, ha, ha!� (Cheers)

Ayeka:� What!?� Oh my gosh!� No!!!� You dirty fighter!� You said you weren�t using vulgarity!

Ryoko:� What can I say, I lied.� I do it all the time!� Relax, princess.� I�m a professional.� (Boos)

Ayeka:� Fine then!� I guess I�m going to have to fight fire with fire!� Azaka!� Kamidake!� Bring me a laptop!

Azaka and Kamidake:� Yes maam!� The two huge talking blocks of wood (how weirder can this get?)� go to retrieve a laptop for Ayeka.

Ryoko:� So, you can�t even get something for yourself!

Ayeka:� I�m going kill you, Ryoko!� This will end once and for all!

Commercial

�� Picture of Mihoshi struggling to read a book and Kiyone slapping her forehead.� Is your child having trouble with reading?� Kiyone:�� She�s not my child!� Don�t you feel bad when you can�t help?� Kiyone: No, I don�t!�� Then get Hooked On Phonics.� It guarantees one full letter grade improvement, in spelling or reading, or your money back.� Mihoshi:� Waahhhh!� I couldn�t read!� It was awful . . . .� Wahhhhhhhhh!� Kiyone: I don�t care!� I don�t care!� Get Hooked On Phonics today.� Mihoshi: Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!� Kiyone: Shut up!

�� And now back to the A and R show!� (Cheers)

Ayeka:� Die child!� Ayeka raises her hand and slaps Ryoko.� All of a sudden, a strange portly man walks up on stage.� He has a name tag.

Ayeka:� Mr. Censor?

Ryoko:� Oh, it�s you Mr. Censor!� Help me!� Save me!� You she what she does?� You see how this woman is?

Mr. Censor:� Yes, I see how she is.� I also see how you are.

Ryoko:� Ewww.... This can�t be good...

Ayeka:� Yes, Mr. Censor, I�m so glad that you are here!� I guess all the letters I have been sending to the Censor Department finally paid off.� Now you can see first hand how this woman is enraged and is not fit to run a television talk show!

Mr. Censor:� Yes, I see...

Ayeka:� I hope you make your decision wisely.� Crafty eyes.� We wouldn�t want anything bad to happen to you, now would we!� Azaka and Kamidake fly down from above and surround Mr. Censor.

Mr. Censor:� Miss Ayeka, is that a threat?!

Ayeka:� Oh, of course not!� But to be on the safe side, how about I ensure you with some insurance that you make the right decision?� Ayeka grabs some bills from her purse.

Ryoko:� What?� Ayeka, is that a bribe?� Well, I�ll be dammed!� I think I�ve been wrong about you this whole time.

Ayeka:� Ah, yes, Ryoko.� You have.� But where you�ll be going, there won�t be any decisions for you to make.� Don�t worry.� You�ll never be wrong again.

Ryoko:� What ja mean?� I don�t get it.

Mr. Censor:� She means that she wants to send you up the river.� Straight to jail with no Jail Free card.� Do not pass Go.� Do not collect $200.� All restrictions still apply.� Illegal in 5 states.

Ayeka:� Excellent.� So I believe we still have an agreement?

Ryoko:� What?!� No way!� Mr. Censor, are you going to put up with this?� Teaching bribery to all the little children of the world!� How could you Ayeka!� Sob, sob, sob!

Mr. Censor:� Don�t worry, Miss Ryoko.� I�m professional.� I don�t accept bribes.� Unlike you...

Ryoko:� Hey!� Just because some guy wanted to keep the illegal VGO (Video Game Operation) under wraps last week doesn�t mean I do this all the time!� Geese!� You so stereotype!

Ayeka:� Oh well.� Since it seems this will be a normal honest decision, I guess we might as well wait this out.

Mr. Censor:� Oh no, I got plans for you two...� Swish!!!

Jerry Springer:� Welcome, welcome, to the show of the year!� Today, do you hear me, today and only today we have two of the names in top anime and talk show genre!� This is a once in a lifetime kind of thing!� Don�t miss today�s always controversial episode:� A and R-� Boyfriend problems bugging top buck-bringers?� (Cheers)

Jerry:� Well, let�s bring out our first guest, Ryoko!� (Cheers)

Ryoko:� Ah, yes, my adoring fans!� Yes, yes!� Um, Jerry, where am I?

Jerry:� Why, your on my show for counseling!� Some Mr. Censor guy told me it wouldn�t only do you good, it boost my ratings too!� You can�t say no to a 2 for 1 deal like that!

Ryoko:� I don�t know about this.� I just don�t know...� Well, since I�m here, what the topic of the day, Jerry?

Jerry:� Today�s topic is all about the two of you and your boyfriend problems.� Are they causing the problems that so happen to haunt your lives?

Let�s find out!

Ryoko:� The two of us?� What you mean Ayeka?

Jerry:� Why yes!� Who else might we have meant?

Ryoko:� Well I�m just saying that if you were to talk about something like men, you would actually choose a woman who have had experience with men.� I mean, Ayeka?� Really, she knows as much about guys as I know about how to wash her laundry every week.� And I tell you, I wash that stuff in 5 minutes flat.

Jerry:� You must not wash them very well.

Ryoko:� Not at all, Jerry.� (Eewwws)

Jerry:� Okay then, Ryoko, let me ask you this.� How do you feel towards Ayeka and her on going dispute to take away your man?

Ryoko:� Yea, that�s right.� My man.� Your a good guy, Jerry.� Anyways, back to the subject.� Ayeka...� I tell you, she really gots problems.� That Ayeka trying to take away my Tenchi!� You are talking about Tenchi, right?

Jerry:� Of course, but who else?� Are there any other men in your life that our profile doesn�t know about yet?� Huh?� This could add extra juice to the show!

Ryoko:� Get a life!

Jerry:� Your life is my life.

Ryoko:� Oh yea.� Anyway, like I was saying, Tenchi is my main man.� He and I will rule the intergalactic plain together!� Nothing will get in our way.� You know that, Jerry?� No one can stop me from taking over the universe with Tenchi!� Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Jerry:� Okay....� Jerry�s producer off stage waves his hands in a circle.

Jerry:� Well then, with this new information, let�s bring out our next guest.� Ayeka!� (Cheers)

Ayeka:� I�m going to kill you, Ryoko!� Ah!!!�

Ryoko:� Jerry!� You traitor!� Ah!!� Get off of me, Ayeka!� Ah!� (Cheers)

Jerry:� Well well, this is really interesting!� Now come on ladies!� Calm down.� Let�s try to have a civilized conversation.� National Censors off stage give Jerry a thumbs up.

Jerry:� Looks towards Censor.� Yea!� Thumbs up back.� Looks back to our guests.� Um, okay.� Now like I said before, sit down, sit down and let�s begin.�

Ryoko:� Ah!� Okay Jerry, I�ll do it but the animal is for you to tame.

Ayeka:� Animal?!� I�m not the one with the bizarre tail flapping around!

Ryoko:� Oh so now your making fun of my tail, eh?� I�ll be making fun of your black eye in a sec!

Jerry:� Now I said to SIT DOWN!!!� Ayeka and Ryoko stop dead in their tracks and stare at Jerry.� All of the crowd is watching them.� A huge bead of sweat drips down from each of their heads, anime style!�

Ayeka and Ryoko:� Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, AH, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha......� Yes....

Jerry:� Okay....�� Now that that�s over, let�s get the real show going.� Okay.� Ryoko, we already heard your side of the story with Ayeka.� But Ayeka, what do you see in Ryoko?

Ayeka:� Ah yes, Ryoko...� That witch has stayed and overstayed her share of welcomes in her lifetime.� I tell you, Mr. Springer, me and my Tenchi have fought our share of vile monsters here and there.� But that Ryoko, I tell you, she�s even worse than a� monster.

Ryoko:� How dare you!� Ayeka, your such a bubble!� (Oohhs)

Ayeka:� A bubble?!� What in the world does that mean?

Ryoko:� Everything you think it can!

Ayeka:� Ah!!!� (Laughs)

Jerry:� Women, women!� Don�t end the show just yet!� We have more! �We have more guests.� Please.� Just calm down.� Ayeka and Ryoko calm a bit and sit down on the plush seats.� Okay.� Now please, I�m proud to introduce our next guest, Tenchi!� Tenchi comes out.� Tenchi waves.� (Cheers)�

Tenchi:� Hi ya all!� Hi!� Boy, my life is weird!

Ryoko:� Tenchi!� Yea!� Now, tell Ayeka that I�m your real lover and that Ayeka could never come close!� Tell her of our special bond!� About the promise you made to me!

Tenchi:� Uh, I don�t exactly remember any of the above...

Ayeka:� Do you really think that we will believe what you are telling us, Ryoko?

Ryoko:� Um, no.� At least not you.

Jerry:� Okay...� Again, let�s ask Tenchi a question.� Tenchi, which girl is it that you really like best?

Tenchi:� Well, I really can�t say.� It ultimately to hard to choose!� I mean I like you both, Ayeka and Ryoko.� But I mean, Jerry, your right.� I have to eventually make a decision.

Jerry:� Yes I am right.� And let�s bring out Tenchi�s new decision!� Mihoshi!� (Cheers)�

Mihoshi:� Hiya peoples!� Ouch!� Mihoshi trips on the carpet and lands flat on her face.

Ayeka:� Oh please.

Ryoko:� Tenchi!� I�m appalled by your horrible taste!� First Ayeka and then Mihoshi!� Oh, Tenchi you give me a headache!

Jerry:� Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!� Good!� Looks like we�ve got some progress!� All right.� That�s all we have for today.� Come back tomorrow and we�ll have a brand new show with these wacky characters!� See ya!� Jerry Springer music.� Ayeka and Ryoko are then transported back to their studio and the audience is staring blankly at a television screen up on stage that had broadcasted their entire ordeal.� People start to cough and laugh blankly.

Ryoko:� Where the hey are we now?

Ayeka:� Uh... Oh...� today has been to much action.

Mr. Censor:� Ah yes, girls.� You think today has been to much action?� Well then you better start pumping up for tomorrow�s action packed day!� It�ll certainly suck the energy from you.

Ryoko:� What!?� You can�t do this!� This is our show!

Mr. Censor:� Yes I can.� As long as there�s violence on television, I will control anything that I have to make the viewing world a better place!� And all I have to do is be here.� A simple swing of my hand and half of the problems on television have already been solved.� Right now your show is a bitter enemy to my campaign of peace and I expect to clean up your act myself by this time next week.� (Boos)

Ayeka:� How could he been given such power?� He�ll shut down our show, and then he�ll put up his own!� Oh no!� Not cooking with Mr. Censor!� Anything but that!� (Screams)

Ryoko:� Well, maybe if he doesn�t show up tomorrow...� nothing will happen...� Get my drift Ayeka?� Wink, wink!

Ayeka:� I think so...

Ryoko:� May I?

Ayeka:� Oh...� all right.� For today.

Ryoko:� Girls?

Mihoshi, Washu, and Susami:� Mr. Censor!� We�ve heard so much about you!� Let�s get em!

Mr. Censor:� What?� No, no, NO!� You can�t do this to me!� Ah!!!!� Muffle, muffle, muffle.� (Cheers)

Ayeka:� Well then.� Since that is taken care of, I see no reason why we can�t end today�s show with that of a pleasant note.

Ryoko:� Yea, I have to agree with you on that.� Well, we�ll see you tomorrow, y�all!� (Cheers)

Ayeka:� Yes, goodbye!� Ayeka and Ryoko walk off stage.� A and R music plays.� Lots of people leave.� Ayeka then returns to the stage without Ryoko.� Azaka and Kamidake come down from above and hand her something.

Ayeka:� He, he, he!� I�ll get back at Ryoko for her childish ways!� He, he, he!� Let�s see... now how do you scan this thing?

The End