{ A and R }

By Dan C.

�� Host:� Do, do, do, do!� It�s the A and R Show!� With your hostess�s, Ayeka...� I hate that woman!� and Ryoko...� I will survive!� (Cheers)

�� Today�s show has some very special guests.� They are characters from the hit Anime show Gundam Wing!� These special guests are some of the best in talk show passion!� They live to give viewers what they want, and now you too can experience their gusto in acting, too!

�� Watch our hostesses interact with their favorite Gundam Wing actors, read bizarre yet entertaining letters from the viewers, and fight off the evil disease cataracts!� This show is live, if you didn�t know by now.� And it keeps getting better!� So sit tight, grab some pears, and watch the

A and R show!� (Cheers)

Ryoko:� Hey, hey you all!� Thanks, it�s great to be here! (Cheers)

Ayeka: Yes, thank you all.� We have a great show today that we just know your going to love!� Ahem, but first, let us go though some of the letters that you, the viewers, have sent us over time.� Shall we open a few? (Cheers)

Ryoko:� All right!� That�s the enthusiasm I like to hear!� Well, let�s see what we can pull out of..� The Magic Mail Basket!!� A janitor stumbles upon stage tripping over his mop and drags behind him an old rusting metal laundry basket. �It is full of letters that are mostly a tint of yellow.� Ooooh...� The Magic Mail Basket must be leaking magic.� Um, all right.� That�s enough Geeve�s.� You can go now.

Janitor:� M� names Bob.

Ryoko:� All right, BOB, you can go now.

Bob:� Mmm. �Janitor Bob limps off stage with a hunchback holding his mop.� Heh, heh, hoh, hoh!

Ayeka:� Such a creepy man, isn�t he?� Well, enough of him.� Ryoko, read our first lucky letter.

Ryoko:� Right.� Well everyone who is new to this, this is how we do it.� One of us reaches into the Magic Mail Basket.� We take out a letter, read it, and answer the question that you ask.� Simple enough.� So let�s get started.� Ryoko sticks her arm into the basket and pulls out a musty yellow-tinted letter.� Hmm..� A little bit of rust on this one.� Let me just brush it off a little...�� There.� All right.� Ryoko opens the letter.� Let�s see.� Joseph Trebus from Singlur, Massachusetts writes:

�� Dear A and R Show,

�� I just want to say, this is an awesome show!� Also, I own all your

�� products!� The Ayeka Style Kimono, the Ryoko Chop-suey Butcher

�� Knife, and the A and R Show Studio Play Set complete with action

�� figure �All purpose Janitor Bob� are amongst my favorite.

Ayeka:� Huh?� That �BOB� character has his own action figure?� That is simply un-called for.

Ryoko:� Uh huh...� Well, Joseph�s letter isn�t done yet.� It still says:

�� This leads me to my question.� Although you have a vast array of

�� great products, I always end up asking myself, �Where is the

�� A and R Show cereal?�

�� Sincerely,

�� Joseph Trebus

Ayeka:� Well, Joseph, back due to popular demand is the original A and R Show Nutrigrain Bars!� Maybe before your time, back in the 70�s, the

A and R Show nutrigrain bars were very popular around the kiddies who just loved it�s delicious coating of sweet honey and chewy Ayeka and Ryoko sugar candies.� Candies shaped like your favorite show hostesses now on your own snack to eat at home!� Buy them today!� Thumbs up and a wink.

Ryoko:� Right, remember kids.� That�s A and R Show Nutrigrain Bars.� The A and R Show Nutrigrain Bars.� Should I say it again, in case none of you caught that?� The A and R Show Nutrigrain Bars.�

Ayeka:� I think they will remember that, Ryoko.� They can remember the first time, and the second, and the third.

Ryoko:� You never know.� Well, I�m glad we got one letter out of the way.� Okay, let�s reach in and grab out another one.� Ryoko reaches into the Magic Mail Basket and pulls out a bright white letter.� Ooooh!� Look at this one!� This might be interesting.� Hmm..� Let�s see.� Ryoko opens the letter. �Okay.� This letter is from little Tommy of Rozer, Montana.� Little Tommy writes:

�� Dear Aye..

Ahem...� A bit of a sore throat, sorry.� Again, it reads:

�� Dear Queen Ryoko and Other girl,

�� I love your show!� I want to watch it all the time.� But unfortunately,

�� I have to go over to my friend�s house to watch it.� My cable won�t

�� give us the channel your on.� How can I get your show on my TV so I

� can watch you all the time?

�� Love,

�� Tommy

Ayeka:� Well, little Tommy, it�s actually quite easy, in fact.� You need to contact your local cable provider and ask them if they have our channel on an additional package.� We may not be provided on the �standard� programming subscription that you are on.� I hope that clears your matter up.

Ryoko:� Oh wait.� There�s a P.S.� It says:

�� P.S. - My mom already called the cable companny and asked if they

�� provide your channel at all and they said no.� They said that they don�t

carry channels that only have poor quality shows with low ratings.� I

�� don�t know what that means.

�� -Tommy

(Boos)� Ryoko has very small eyes now.� Umm.. I don�t know how to respond to that.� Ayeka?

Ayeka:� Well, now then.� They cannot possibly be speaking of our show.� The A and R Show is one of the most successful shows on television today!� I mean, how many other shows have talk show hosts that have been hunted down by censors, invited to be guests of Jerry Springer, and single handily shook the foundations of Six Flags Great America in Gurnee IL?� I say, this show is most positively one of the better shows on television.� No, they must be speaking of some other show.� Maybe they are speaking of that other show that comes on after us.� That Gundam Wing talk show.� Um, what is it called?

Ryoko:� Oh, I really don�t think we should be talking about that right now.� I mean... You know...!

Ayeka:� No!� I will not let our show be desecrated on live television!� I am assured that it is that Gundam something Prodigy Talk show that comes on after us that is making a mockery of our television station.� Because of them, one boy is denied the pleasure, no, the �right� to watch our show on his own television!� I will simply not stand for it! (Cheers)

Ryoko:� Ayeka!� I can�t believe you!� Ryoko shakes her head and starts to sniffle.� *Sniff*� Well, if your so *sniff* intent on finding out if it�s that other Gundam Wing talk show making all the trouble, then how about you ask the hosts to that show yourself?� They�re our next guests.� Quatre, Duo, can you two please come out on stage?� *sniff*� We are so dead.� (Claps)

Quatre and Duo, 2 Gundam Pilots and hosts of the talk show �Gundam Prodigy Talk Show�, that comes on after the A and R Show, walk onto the stage greeted by applause that is being directed by bright �applause� signs.� Duo has brown hair and a long braid down the back of his head.� He�s also wearing black with a priest collar.� Quatre has blonde hair and is wearing rich clothes with a puffy shirt.

Ayeka:� Eeep!� Huge sweat drop, anime style!

Ryoko:� Doh!� I told you!� Now we�re doomed!

Duo:� What!!� You think that we�re the reason that the channels doing bad?� Now come on!� Let�s be reasonable!� We have Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z as our cameraman!� I mean, really. �Who do you have as your cameraman?� Hm?� Hey you over there?� What�s your name?� Camera bobbles around.

Camera Man:� Who me?

Duo:� Yeah, you.� What�s your name?

Camera Man:� M� name�s Bob.

Duo:� Bob?!� Oh, come on.� What a lame guy.

Ryoko:� He�s our cameraman, too?� What, are we running low on funds or something?� What�s up with this?

Ayeka:� Quite strange indeed.

Duo:� Right!� I mean, come on!� Who would want to watch your lame-o excuse for a talk show?� Oh man!

Ryoko:� Hey!� I thought you were our guests!� Not our critics!

Duo:� Well, it�s a dirty job, but someone�s got to do it.� Ayeka starts to cry.

Quatre:� Oh, peoples, come on now!�� Silly boy.� Duo, you shouldn�t be so harsh on our new friends!� Ayeka, listen.� Quatre puts his hand on Ayeka�s shoulder.

Ayeka: !

Quatre:� You see, Duo isn�t in touch with his sensitive side.� I, on the contrary, am.� I know how you feel.� He can be like this sometimes.� He doesn�t mean it.� Don�t worry.� Neither of our shows is to blame.

Ayeka:� Oh, Quatre, thank you.� I needed to hear that.

Quatre:� Right.� You know who really is to blame?

Ayeka, Ryoko, Duo:� Who?

Quatre:� It�s that crazy new show �Cooking with Mr. Censor� that recently came about.� Everyone gasps!� See A and R Show 1.

Ryoko:� Aha!� I knew it wasn�t our show!� Augh!� I can�t believe Mr. Censor got that show he wanted!� This is sickening.� It�s like anyone can get his or her own TV show these days.� (Silence)� Well, it�s true!� More silence.

Duo:� Well, actually I guess your right.� You girls are actually mildly entertaining.� But nothing compared to our show.

Ayeka:� I am glad that we could all come to terms about our shows *whispers* you little cheap talk show brat.

Duo:� Que?

Ayeka:� What?

Duo:� Right.

Ryoko:� Huh?

Quatre:� Ha, ha!� This is fun, you silly people!� (Knock, knock)

Duo:� What�s that?

And now for a commercial break.

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And now back to our show, the A and R show!� (Claps)

Ayeka:� Welcome back, everyone.� Last we left off, there was someone knocking at the door.� Let me go see who it is.� Ayeka walks off the left side of the stage and opens a stage door that leads outside.� There, standing with a brown paper bag, is Heero.� He is another Gundam pilot, yet has nothing to do with the Gundam Prodigy Talk show.� Heero is wearing skin tight pants and a green tank-top.� He has very spikey brown hair.� (Claps)

Heero:� Hi.

Ayeka:� Who are you?

Heero:� My name�s Heero Yuy.� I just stopped by because Duo forgot his lunch.� His mom gave it to me and told me to deliver it.� It�s my �secret mission�, she says!� (Laughs)

Ayeka: �I am sure it is, little Heero Yuy.� Well, Duo is over there.� He is our guest on today�s show.� You may �complete your mission�, but do it quickly.� We are trying to conduct a television show here.� Heero walks into the studio and runs over to Duo.� He gives Duo the brown paper bag.� Duo slaps his head.

Duo:� Augh!� My mom thinks I�m such a baby.� Why won�t she just leave me alone?� (Laughs)

Ryoko:� Because, kid, you forgot your lunch.� Only a baby would forget his lunch.� Ryoko gets a sweat drop, anime style!� *whisper* Oh no!� I forgot MY lunch! *whisper*

Duo:� Que?

Heero:� What?� Whispering behind my back?� Ah, ha!� And so the tables have turned!� I knew it!� You�re the spy trying to foil my mission!� You lied to me!� You�re a traitor!� Yet, darn!� Your one of those beautiful spy girls that will lure me into a false sense of security and then kill me in my sleep!� (Gasps)

Ryoko:� What are you talking about?!� All of a sudden, a jumble of crazy noises is heard from above.� Up in the catwalk is a girl with golden brown hair and a funny school dress.� She cries out.

Girl:� Aye, yai, yai, yai, yai, yai, yee!� She jumps off the catwalk and free falls for several feet.� (Gasps)

Ayeka, Ryoko:� Gasp!� The girl then grabs on to a hanging rope used to hold up the sandbags and slides on down to the stage floor where she lands softly and wields a butter knife.

Girl:� Get away from Heero, you hussy!

Ryoko:� Huh?� What?� What�s going on!� Tell me!

Heero:� Gasp!� Relena!� What are you doing here?

Relena:� Since you have no experience with girls, and you�ve never had a real girlfriend, I thought it be wise to tail you and make sure you don�t get tricked into going out with some unworthy girl!� And I now see that my suspicious were correct.� There are many women after you!

Heero:� Okay.. I see.

Ryoko:� Boy, this kid is crazy!� Security!� Take care of her!� Security?� Who�s in charge of our security?

Bob:� That�ll be me.

Ryoko:� You�re our security team?

Bob:� M� name�s B..

Ryoko:� Yea, yeah, I know that.� What is up with all this?� Is he our one-man staff?

Bob:� Um...

Ryoko:� Never mind.� Just get rid of the lunatic.

Relena:� Nooo!� I�m going to kill this hussy first!� Aaaahhh!� Relena lunges at Ryoko with her butter knife.� Bob then jumps behind her quickly and grabs her arms and stops her advance.� He holds her tight, she struggles, and finally she drops the knife and falls to the floor crying.� Boo, hoo!� All I wanted was Heero to be mine, all mine!

Heero:� Geese, woman.� You didn�t need to stalk me all the time.� I was going to give you this teddy bear for your birthday, but now, I�m not so sure.

Relena:� Waaaaaaaah!

Ryoko:� Take her away, Bob!� I always wanted to say that.� Cept without Bob�s name in it.� Bob drags a resisting Relena off and behind stage.� Noises of resistance are heard long after she is out of sight.

Ayeka:� Thank you, Ryoko, for taking care of that one.� She was certainly a crazy one.� Just then, there is another knock at the back stage door.� Bob, the security guard, comes out from behind the stage and walks over to open the door.� When he opens the door, the room is filled with gasps and yelps of horror.�

Quatre:� Oh my gosh!� You killed Trowa!� How dare you!� Quatre flails his hands around.� Trowa, another Gundam pilot but not associated with the Gundam Prodigy Talk show, falls down in the door way.� He has a lot of hair and it all looks like one pointy piece.� He is wearing a clown outfit.

Trowa:� Ugh...

Duo:� He�s alive!

Trowa:� Yea, I am.� But..� I don�t know.� Something�s different.

Oh my gosh!�� I can�t see!!� (Gasps)

Duo:� Oh no!� Quatre, this can�t mean..!

Quatre:� Yes, Duo.� It means exactly that.� My arch-nemesis, Katara, is back!

Ryoko:� Nooooooooooooo!!

Ayeka:� Who is Katara?

Ryoko:� I don�t know.� Some bad guy.

Ayeka:� Ah...� Nods head.

Quatre:� Everyone!� You must leave the studio now!� You are all in grave danger!� Katara must be somewhere around here now!� All of you, flee for your lives!� (Screams)

Ayeka:� No, no!� Everyone calm down.� There is no threat here.� We, your hostesses, will keep perfect care of you all.

Ryoko:� Plus we don�t want any bad reviews.

Ayeka:� Hush, Ryoko.� No comments from the peanut gallery.

Ryoko:� What?

Duo:� Que.

Ryoko:� Huh?

Duo:� No, what.

Ryoko:� No......� Seems confused.� NOTE: More than usual.

Ayeka:� As I was explaining, everyone sit in your seats.� We will resolve this issue on live TV!� Great for ratings!� Gives thumbs up.

Quatre:� I may be able to do it, but if anyone gets hurt, it�s not on my insurance.

Ayeka:� Oh my.� That makes it difficult.� All of a sudden a large boom is heard overhead in the studio catwalks and 4 sandbags are dropped and crush audience members.� (Gasps)� Up above, smoke begins to fall and settle and a lone person is seen standing up on the catwalk.

Person:� I am Katara!!!

And now a message from our sponsor!

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And now back to the A and R Show!

(Cheers)

Katara:� Yes, it is I, Katara!� And I am here to spread my decease and pestilence of cataracts!� Katara is wearing clothes just like Quatre�s but his pants are ripped and his hair isn�t combed.� (Gasps)

Quatre:� On the contrary, Katara.� I must once again stop you from your evil deeds.

Ryoko:� What can the gay guy do?

Quatre:� Actually I like to be referred to as overly happy.� (Laughs)

Duo:� Yea, and you know Quatre is actually a crime fighter.

Ryoko:� No way!� That is dope, dog!� (Screams)

Beeeeoop!� T.V. screen goes black.� A man�s voice appears.

We are sorry for forcing you to watch Ryoko acting ghetto.� If we had known that she would have done so, it would not have been shown.� Once again, this is a reminder that this show is live, and Ryoko never follows the script.� We now return you to the A and R Show fully un-ghetto.

The TV is turned back on.� A and R Show is back on.

Duo:� Whoa.� That was totally un-cool.

Ryoko:� What?� Give me a break d-g!� Words are censored due to ghettoness.

Ayeka:� He is quite right.� Please do not use such low grammar and vocabulary.

Katara:� Does anyone remember that I�m here?� Hey you!

Audience Member:� Me?

Katara:� Yea, you.� Take this!� Waves of red squiggly lines fly out of Katara�s fingertips and hit the audience member right in the eyes.

Audience Member:� Augh!� I�m blind!� (Screams)

Ayeka:� Oh my!� Quatre, do something!� Quickly!

Quatre:� That�s it, Katara.� This is the final battle.� It�s time for you to hang up your tennis shoes!

Duo:� What?

Quatre:� It�s a Mexican analogy.� Like kick the bucket, you know?

Ryoko:� Well, it�s a pretty gay one if you ask me, d-g.

Ayeka:� No one did.� So there.

Quatre:� Right.� Well, here we go, Katara.� Prepare to feel my overly happy flower power!

Katara:� Don�t you mean flamin� power?� Mwa, hahahaha!

Quatre:� That�s it!� Aaaaaaaah!� Quatre�s powers up and a yellow light with wind from nowhere start blowing all over him.� His eye color turns bright blue. Also his hair all stands up and it gets all spiky and his hair goes up a shade of blonde.� Time to pay, Katara!� Aaaaaah!� Quatre jumps forward and makes a lunge for Katara.� (Cheers)� He swings his left arm forward and merely misses Katara who jumps backwards and primes his fingers.

Katara:� Oh come now, Quatre.� Is that all you can do?

Duo:� Nope!� In fact, he can increase his power up 5 more levels!�

Quatre:� Turns to Duo.� Actually, I thought it be lame if I just went up one level at a time and spent a bunch of useless time fighting all weak and getting my butt beat before I realize I need to level up again and just go up 1 level and repeat the process again.� Right now I�m actually at max power.

Duo:� Oh..� Maybe we shouldn�t have said any of that.

Quatre:� Maybe.

Katara:� Yes!� Hahaha!� I will win this time, Quatre!� And this will be your last!� Take this!� Katara flings his cataracts-creating red squiggly lines and they fly towards the back of Quatre�s talking to Duo head.

Quatre:� Turns around.� What?!� Oh no! �Quatre is unable to dodge the attack of lines, and covers his eyes with his hands, a pitiful defense.� But just then a gust of wind is felt in front of Quatre.� He slowly removes his hands and opens his eyes to see Janitor/Action Figure Model/Camera Man/Security Guard Bob standing in front of him twirling his mop quickly in front of them deflecting the squiggly rays of cataracts away from them.

Ryoko:� Well I�ll be darned!� He is worthy of being an action figure!

Ayeka:� And what we pay him, too!� Go Bob!

Duo:� Oh no! �He�s getting the entire spotlight for their show!

Ayeka:� Yes, that is right!� Our cameraman is a super hero!� What can you say to that, hmm?

Duo:� Doh!

Katara:� Nooo!� Who is this guy?!

Bob:� M� name�s Bob.� I think I can handle this.� Bob stops twirling his mop and grabs it primed for action.� Katara, you picked the wrong talk show to mess with.� Mm hm.

Katara:� Die!� Katara flings his squiggly lines towards Bob in large bunches.

Bob:� Alley oop!� Bob jumps into the air and near a spotlight.� Katara looks up and sees a bat shape in the spotlight.� It then comes down and Bob has his mop in hand thrusting it downward.� I�d like to see you dodge this.� Yes sir.

Katara:� Nooooooooo!� Katara is stuck on the head with the wooden mop stick and it shatters in slow motion into a million pieces.� Katara falls to the floor, also in slow motion, hitting the floor and bouncing around a bit before his body settles.� I�ll... get you next... time, Quatre...� augh.� Katara passes out.

Quatre:� Whoa.� And I thought I was here to save the day.� I got nothing compared to Bob.

Bob:� Mm hm.� Well, I guess I better get back to the camera.

Duo:� You do that.

Ayeka:� Well, that certainly was an interesting event.� Not that I would want it to happen again, mind you.

Ryoko:� Oh no, I would.� But next time I�ll stop the monster!� I was going to kick Katara�s butt, but you know, Quatre all got in the way.� You know?

Ayeka:� Of course he did.

Quatre:� Well, I think that�s enough of our presence for one show.� I guess we�ll be heading on out.� Oh, and I�ll take Katara�s body with me.

Duo:� Right.� This was pretty crazy.� Okay, see you all later.� And remember, Gundam Prodigy Talk Show is on next.� Watch it!� Bye!� Duo and Quatre, dragging Katara�s beat body, walk off stage with applause.

Ryoko:� Well, that was one heck of a show.� I�m sure all riled up!� I�m ready for the next show!

Ayeka:� You very well know that the next show will not be for some time now.� Our viewers must wait until then.� Crash!� A loud sound of collapsing metal is heard from behind stage.� Relena jumps out from behind the show curtains with her butter knife.� She waves it frantically.

Relena:� It�s time to buy the farm, you hussy!

Ryoko:� You wanna see a real knife, d-g?� Ryoko makes a red energy dagger in her hand.� Now this is a real knife!� Come here you little stalker!

Relena:� Eeeep!� Relena runs backstage with Ryoko chasing after her.

Ayeka:� Um... security!�� Security?�� Security!� Come here please!� Bob leaves his camera position and walks up to Ayeka.

Bob:� Yes, miss Ayeka?

Ayeka:� Yes, Bob?� Could you notify the show producer that we need higher security?� Oh, and throw in that better guests would be appreciated, also.� Ones that will not insult our show.� Can you do that?

Bob:� Done.

Ayeka:� What do you mean done?� You have not left this spot.� Where is the producer?

Bob:� I�m the producer, miss Ayeka.

Ayeka:� You are who!?

Bob:� M� name�s Bob.

The End